The Serious Me

I have been concentrating on my faults lately, even making a list of some of the worst ones and I gotta tell you, with some of what I have down it is a wonder that anyone would want to even be around me, mch less admit to being a friend or, God forbid a part of my family. I have figured out, from this list of mine, that I can be a pretty awful, down-right bitch most of the time. Last Tuesday I even jumped all over my dr for having to wait 2 and a half hours after my appointment. Okay, maybe that one is not a great example. But my point is, and what I told him was that I can go from zero to bitch in .100th of a second. And I really do not think that is an exaggeration. And I am the QUEEN of exaggeration! I have even told my sister, whom I foght with on a regular basis...but those are not always my fault, and my best friend and real adopted sister, who knows me better than I know myself sometimes, that I was going to let them look at this list to make sure that I have not left anything off. But tonight I did something a litle out of the ordinary for me. I have been looking, seriously loking for an internet job that I can do at home. It would be a perfet thing for me to do, if I can find the right job. But while going thriugh my email looking to see if I had gotten any answers yet and I came across this email that caught my eye, so I opened it. It was from something called BRAIN KARMA. And after I read what it said, I joined it. First, and most importantly, it was free. I have lost all the money I plan to (mine & my friends, savior is more like it)

Anyway this email told me to send my email address and my first name. So I did. An this is what the  article said. I will get an email for the next 7 days asking me to do things that are out of the ordinany for me. None of them are routine. Here is what he said:
          1.) Clear the clutter from my mind
          2.) Be nice to people (this might be a bit of a challenge because of that zero to bitch thing).
          3.) Tell a story (boy are you guys in for it. I can have SOME imagination when I put my mind to it.)
          4.) Find positive in everything, eeverywhere. (I should probably stay in bed that day because if that     
               thing, again, mentioned in # 2.)
          5.)Free your spouse or loved one. (I am not real sure what he means by free them, but since I have
               no spouse or signifgant other, I do not have to worry about this one either)
          6.) Think of your siblings. (and I have no comment on this one. I am just going to do it ).
          7.) Thank the Divine (This one is going to be a snap. I have a LOT to thank Him for and I am not
                 even kidding here. This one might take me all day!)
          8.) Clear the mundane anxiety (whole week) I think you have to work on this one all week long.

Thus guy is not asking for one dime (but a simple donation would not be sent back!)
These are not activities you do not do on a normal basis, concentrating on them everyday. At least not most of us. But when you do one new thing for the next 7 days, you will seemingly have an eventful week ahead of you.

The purpose of this one week challenge is to engage in some activities that are different from the normal routine we follow. It is the way we may begin to change behaivor (And if anybodys behavior needs changing it is mine). Doing something differently, breaking the usual routine is a dtress buster. The 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of usd

Let your heart be guided by love

Today is Serious

They, whoever they are, say that when a person is upset, they should write, journal, or whatever you want tp call it. My favorite is called bitchin. So, I guess I am going to bitch. But then it seems as if all I ever do is bitch. And the subject of my bitch today is one that I never thought I would have is bitching about Trisha. I love this woman with all my heart and have for nearly 45 years. But since I have gone to live with her, I am learning, as I am sure she is learning as well, that neither of us knows the other as well as we thought we did. And I am not so sure we  are liking what we are learning. The first thing is that Trisha, in all her goodness and love, made it too easy for me to go and live with her. It was honestly not something Iwas considering or even tring to make happen. It just happened. Sarah was making my life nuts. Pure hell, really and everyone that came around me or even talked to me knew that. I hate this girl with my soul for all the horror she has caused not only me, but Braxton and most of all that precious baby.I know that child lost her security when I could no longer care for her on a full time basis and called Rebecca to come pick her up. So, I will acept that part of the blame. But Ialso felt like I was saving her live because of that piece of shit Sarah picked up with. It was only a matter of time before Sarah was going to decide to take Isabella there permamently and she was going to end up physically abused and terrified on a regular basis. So, for her sake, I sent her away. That nearly destroyed me.

Fast forward to now and Iam living with Trisha, who has decided, even though I have been so completely honest with her, that I aam a drug addict and will alwyas be a drug addict. She has not once seen me screwed up, goofy, or even so much as stumble, except when my legs leave me and I outright fall. But she has been there most of the time and knows I am not full of pills. I screwed up ONCE.And in most peoplesminds it was not even a screw up. I took an oxycodone and then an hour and a half later, after I fell off of a wall that I should not have been sitting on in the first place, I took another one. I TOLD HER ABOUT IT! I did not lie, I did not try to cover it up. In fact had I not even mentioned it she would have never even known about it. But no, stupid here feels like I need to be honest and always accountable. BBIIIGGGG mistake. The next day sshe ateme a new asshole and told me that she was done, was not interested  in helping me, she was only going to make sure that I did not kill myself on her watch. Gee, thanks. Andd lets put the topping on the cake and tell that she will not even talk to me about it. When I try she tells me that she has said all she intends to say, that I am not going to change her mind and the subject is closed. So, the subject is closed. However, I know that she tells Bama everthing and I have no problem with that. But  now its gotten me pretty much banished to the country to clean a house that is way too big for me to be even trying to clean for 3 days a week or every other week, I am not sure and I am doing it for virtually no money, not quite true, but very little money and food, that I am not going to eat in the first place. So I am angry. I am hurt. And last night on the way over here I talked to Bama about it and she told me that I need to have a few days away from Trishas, but if I were to leave there it would destroy her. Sweet. That is the very LAST thing I want to do. And the sad part is that there is really not a damn thing I can do about it. I have nearly driven Lynn crazy because all I ever talk about are my troubles with Trisha, and she is so tired of hearing about it. And I do not even blame her. he only other person I have to talk to is Faye and I have to be very careful there. My kids do NOT want to hear any problem that I might have, so I rarely even speak to them. Kelle does not talk to me much anyway because to quote her I make her so fucking mad that she cannot stand me. (I have no quotation marks, so I really cannot quote anyone.)

I am at a complete loss. I need the amount of pills that I am prescribed. But if I take what is prescribed, I am an addict. I gave her information from well known drs on the subject and she told me she thought it was a bunch of crap. So, that makes me feel that she questions my pain,although she tellsme differently. I have been instructed by my dr that I stay ahead of the pain and one day she agrees and the next day she disagrees. There is a BIG part of me that wants to tell her to kiss my ass and to give me all of my meds back,  but then she IS going to tell me that I have to make other living arrangements. I have gone out of my way to prove to her that I can be trusted but she will NOT buy that. The last time I was out here she went snooping through my bedroom to see what he could find and was rewarded with a couple (as in 3) opana that were on the floor that I found when I was moving from Nancys and just stuck in a drawer in my dresser. Almost as soon as I got home she told me she had proof that I was squirling away meds because of what she found. And when I explained to her how they got ther, how long they have been there and that opana is the LAST pill I would hide away she chose not to believe me. She said that all she was going to do was what she had promised Kristi and just keep me alive. When I asked Kristi if they had had a conversation about me she actually lied to me and said no. So somebody is lying. But I am the one that is wrong.

And some days I vow to just keep my head down and my mouth shut and then other days that becomes impossible for me. I am breaking my back to becompletely honest and accountable and it is getting me nowhere. I love Trisha but her prediction is rapidly coming true. She said that by the time this was over I was going to hate her. I am afraid that is happening before thhis is over. And now, the next time she snoops, maybe she will snoop on this tablet and find this post. There is a big part of me that wants her to.

Let your heart be guided by love